Sunday, August 23, 2009
A Lament
Things have been kind of tough lately. Without going into much detail, I feel like I have a stormy sea inside of me, comprised of so many different emotions (few of which I can identify) just waiting to burst out (at some inopportune time, I'm sure). In the midst of this, I notice the familiar feeling of alone-ness ( is that even a word?) swirling around in my heart. It's not the despairing kind; I know and sense God's presence very much. It's more like I'm beginning to wonder if I just do a bad job of communicating my need to others. There it is, I feel very needy...and I don't like it. I certainly hope that I haven't been coming across as though I have it all together or that all is well, and I'm not sure what it is that I want from others. Maybe (here's another great word) some with-ness. That's what I'm craving.
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I must admit that I often feel this same aloneness. In fact, I think I feel it most when I am with people (as ironic as that may seem). And I've been feeling a little sorry for myself--yes, I have--thinking that no one really cares, no one calls to check up on me, no one wants to share anything personal with me--like a lunch date or a walk, no one throws me parties or gives me surprises. And then I think, admist my sorry little pity party, do I do that for others? Do I make others feel special, valued, cherished? Do I go out of my way to make sure my friends really sense that I care and value time with them. Sometimes, yes, but sometimes no. And still, I am where I am. To find the balance between being too much of a people pleaser and taking no responsibilty. And I still feel alone.
ReplyDeleteI'm still learning how to communicate that lonely neediness without wallowing in self-pity. It seems that vulnerability inevitably leads to whining, and who wants to listen to that?!
ReplyDeleteknow that since I need people to practice on, you're welcome to practice on me.